i refused/ refuse to talk to them. i need money. i'll get the money first then make them chase me out. crap. i hate life now. now i'm moodless to study for my fucking term test. i'm fucking vulgar these days. crap. they can chase me out for all i care. i'd rather sleep on the streets than to pretend that i'm good at home. sickening. i hate it. i need to work more. hmmmmm. 2 more week then i'll be working everyday. seriously. i will. i need money. i'm so pisseddddddddddddddd with reality. how did i get into this deep shit anyways. stupidly because of a key. fuck. see. this is what you get when you get perfectionist parents. everything must be perfect, flawless. i'll be good for 2 weeks since dear is going to japan for 2 weeks. i be good for that 2 weeks.

anyways, i didn't expect my blog to have readers. anon, thanks huh. :D

i think i shall go off for nap, to my unrealistic happy dreams.

i'm homeless soon.
i'm serious.
i need a room for rent.
anyone?

because of a stupid key. i'm in trouble. i didn't plan to forget my key when i left the fucking hse. i didn't want to wake anyone up so i fucking left. what's your fucking problem. i'm fucking stupid for not bringing key out lah. i'm fucking stupid to not call the hse phone at 3 in the morning to wake everyone up to open the fucking door for me.

i'm fucking pissed off. i hate going to school. but you dun have to fucking worry because i won't waste your fucking money. i'll complete my fucking diploma.

i'm fucking moving out of this fucking perfect hse.

i'm not fucking perfect like you guys. I"M NOT. fuck off .

fucking perfectionist. fucked up people. fuck.

and you don't know how to fucking put down the fucking phone after fucking scolding me.

i'm going to get my fucking freedom i want. i won't be like your other daughters. i am not them. i am myself. i want to be free. i can't always be the daughter you want, you expect. just because my fucking sisters are smart and good, doesn't mean i have to be. you don't fucking say anything. but i know you fucking expect me to do as good as them. but the fucking reality is that i can't. i hate studying. i'm fucking stupid, just like what fucking daddy said. i don't care how much to dote on me. i don't fucking care anymore. i don't want to fucking care anymore. i'm not going to pretend and be uncomfortable at the fucking perfect home anymore. i'm not.

i'm moving out. period.

burnin' up. literally, i think.

i don't believe in fucking god. he is never fucking fair. never.

i'm back to normal, depressing normal. mentally dead for the moment with another report to complete by tmr.

anyways. lab ended at 12 but waited for loveyys to come over to slack before their presentation. but they took a bit long to complete the drafts and everything, so i just went home alone around 3. lala land- i visited immediately when i reached home. watched teevee till 10 then came online. i'm still procrastinating, not doing my report.

school till 5 tmr then work till 2.30am. i don't know how the hell soft cock(ISHAK) arrange schedule. i'm doing closing on fri. sat, i'm suppose to do opening at 7. crappppp. i'm not motivated to do or request anything at all. i shall just die working this weekend. hai. i don't even know why i'm doing this. it's not as if i really enjoy ppl talking some language i dun understand around me most of the time. i really hate it. i'm not being racist. it's just me.

i'm still waiting you know. can you bring me out for movie this sat? i'm not invisible. you dun want to care about me anymore? than bring me someone who can. i've yet to reach the breaking point. but my threshold is reaching soon. i'm not invisible. i still exist. can you still see me in your eyes, in your heart? i wish i can just disappear from your life& make things easier for you. but i can't. i really wish. i want to. but god just doesn't make it happen. my wishes never came true. NEVER!

hai. how many times must i be lost in my life. i'm only 18, not even half way thru. maybe i am. you know i always wonder, every minute, someone in this world dies. would i be one of them soon? you know the feeling of being lost, literally lost. when there aren't even crossroads presented infront of you. you're just left somewhere dark, maybe some forest. can someone really bring you the light, show you the pathway out of the darkness? i thought this exists. but the light somehow disappears halfway thru my journey, leaving me stranded, having to start all over again. hope is always lost. lost. lost.

how many times can a heart be broken? will someone die from a broken heart? i think i will. it's so hard to mend things back. i hate the feeling of being left alone to mend back the pieces when you're the one responsible for breaking it. you should be the one mending back the pieces, not me.

i want my presence made known to you. can you tell me how? you're always drawing the line there, just when i feel on the brim of being pampered and loved again. you always draw that invisible border, pushing me away from you. invisible again. sometimes i wish i never existed. when i don't exist, such things won't exist. things would be better. i wonder what it would be like if i didn't exist from the beginning. maybe, i wasn't meant to be. you'll never know.

is there such thing as forever? maybe it's because i don't believe in forever, that's why things are turning out like this.

i think if i really have to put it down, walk away, i'll hate you. i can't help having these feelings. i tell myself every single time i have this feeling that only i can feel the hatred, what's the point of hating. but, at the end of the day, hatred still exists in me. why? i believe in karma. so why do i still hate? i'm s sentimental person, i take small little things seriously, take it to heart. it doesn't help much. i can just die like that. so many things to handle in my life. i wonder why people encourage multi tasking? it's so taxing to multi task. i can't do it.

in short, i miss you. can you come back to me? can your heart come back to me? can you mend my broken heart or is this really the time to out things down alr? i refuse to. there must be a solution to it. it's just so not fair to me when i've done and given in so much and it always turn out like this. you guys just like to fucking walk away when you feel like it without any warning, leaving me to pick up the pieces, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. i'm tired of it. my life mainly revolves around you. i can spend my whole day doing nothing but stare at you sleeping. i can. i feel stupid doing it when things are in this situation.

where did my door of happiness go? when will i see it open again? open up my eyes.

will you even bother about my existence?

bback to reality, back to my report.

hellos again. i'm happyyyyyyyyy. i'm making use of my time to study before term test hits. seriously. i need to catch up on my grades. i've think i received 3 letters last week. crapp.

anyways, i'm thinking of what to do for hols alr.

1. work. (money for future holiday funds.)
2. clean my room
3. get new bed/ sofa in my room
4. chillax :D
5. movies ( TWILIGHT!!!!)
6. christmas &/or new year dinner :D

i think that's all that i can squeeze during the hols, not forgetting my 2 loved ones. :D

oh yah, i was surfing around on the net and found out that TWILIGHT premieres in U.S today. wahhhh. crap. i've still gotta wait for another month. i shall not be tempted to look for it online. i also found the upcoming book, the one with edwards perspective, it's called midnight sun. my sis and i were contemplating on the title of the new book. seems like we guessed quite accurately. haha.

alrights, i'm going off to bed soon.

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.." - edward cullen

nights! i love my dear. :D

hello!
everything's back to normal alr.
school sucks big time.
assignments dueeeeeee.

i really miss you badly.
please don't give up.
stop fucking ignoring me.
love me again.
please.
i know you still do.

i'm still waiting for your decision.
can you at least make it before my birthday.

2 more days.