burnin' up. literally, i think.

i don't believe in fucking god. he is never fucking fair. never.

i'm back to normal, depressing normal. mentally dead for the moment with another report to complete by tmr.

anyways. lab ended at 12 but waited for loveyys to come over to slack before their presentation. but they took a bit long to complete the drafts and everything, so i just went home alone around 3. lala land- i visited immediately when i reached home. watched teevee till 10 then came online. i'm still procrastinating, not doing my report.

school till 5 tmr then work till 2.30am. i don't know how the hell soft cock(ISHAK) arrange schedule. i'm doing closing on fri. sat, i'm suppose to do opening at 7. crappppp. i'm not motivated to do or request anything at all. i shall just die working this weekend. hai. i don't even know why i'm doing this. it's not as if i really enjoy ppl talking some language i dun understand around me most of the time. i really hate it. i'm not being racist. it's just me.

i'm still waiting you know. can you bring me out for movie this sat? i'm not invisible. you dun want to care about me anymore? than bring me someone who can. i've yet to reach the breaking point. but my threshold is reaching soon. i'm not invisible. i still exist. can you still see me in your eyes, in your heart? i wish i can just disappear from your life& make things easier for you. but i can't. i really wish. i want to. but god just doesn't make it happen. my wishes never came true. NEVER!

hai. how many times must i be lost in my life. i'm only 18, not even half way thru. maybe i am. you know i always wonder, every minute, someone in this world dies. would i be one of them soon? you know the feeling of being lost, literally lost. when there aren't even crossroads presented infront of you. you're just left somewhere dark, maybe some forest. can someone really bring you the light, show you the pathway out of the darkness? i thought this exists. but the light somehow disappears halfway thru my journey, leaving me stranded, having to start all over again. hope is always lost. lost. lost.

how many times can a heart be broken? will someone die from a broken heart? i think i will. it's so hard to mend things back. i hate the feeling of being left alone to mend back the pieces when you're the one responsible for breaking it. you should be the one mending back the pieces, not me.

i want my presence made known to you. can you tell me how? you're always drawing the line there, just when i feel on the brim of being pampered and loved again. you always draw that invisible border, pushing me away from you. invisible again. sometimes i wish i never existed. when i don't exist, such things won't exist. things would be better. i wonder what it would be like if i didn't exist from the beginning. maybe, i wasn't meant to be. you'll never know.

is there such thing as forever? maybe it's because i don't believe in forever, that's why things are turning out like this.

i think if i really have to put it down, walk away, i'll hate you. i can't help having these feelings. i tell myself every single time i have this feeling that only i can feel the hatred, what's the point of hating. but, at the end of the day, hatred still exists in me. why? i believe in karma. so why do i still hate? i'm s sentimental person, i take small little things seriously, take it to heart. it doesn't help much. i can just die like that. so many things to handle in my life. i wonder why people encourage multi tasking? it's so taxing to multi task. i can't do it.

in short, i miss you. can you come back to me? can your heart come back to me? can you mend my broken heart or is this really the time to out things down alr? i refuse to. there must be a solution to it. it's just so not fair to me when i've done and given in so much and it always turn out like this. you guys just like to fucking walk away when you feel like it without any warning, leaving me to pick up the pieces, leaving me to cry myself to sleep. i'm tired of it. my life mainly revolves around you. i can spend my whole day doing nothing but stare at you sleeping. i can. i feel stupid doing it when things are in this situation.

where did my door of happiness go? when will i see it open again? open up my eyes.

will you even bother about my existence?

bback to reality, back to my report.