hello. i'm at baby's place. to study. or more of keeping me awake for studious reasons and prevent me from going back to sleep with the possibility of me having terrible nightmares& end up having to try over and over again to go back to sleep. sleeps haven't been nice to me recently. i feel like dying in sleeps even.

somehow when things happen i find out i have readers. hmmmm. thanks for your concerns. i dun really know what to reply. but just to let you guys know i'm fine. i just need time to adjust. the real test comes when i'm back at work during the hols.

i gave myself reasons to quit. but i couldn't let that side of me win. it's just showing that i'm avoiding. something which i hate to do. i'm not. but if, in any case, any hol job with better pay pops up, i'll quit. ok. contradicting what i've said. but i really need money if i'm going to boston with sis in june. yeh. i'm going. :D freaking looking forward. so. i need money.

june will be some lonely month with sis in boston and fiona in aus. 2010 will even be worse after sis gets married. hmmmmm. i'll be the only young one at home. heh. i can't imagine. i think i'll start talking to walls by then. unless i have that someone. i'm sorry i can't stand loneliness, even for a second. that someone could be anyone. i'm not implying it's him. it's impossible. ok. i'm talking crap. pls ignore me. i'm not grieving over it. i always tell myself when a door of happiness close, there's always another open, just that i've been looking back at the closed door for too long, i missed it out. i told myself that when the previous relationship ended. i'm telling myself this now. i can go thru this. i just need time. sometimes when i think about it, i keep on telling myself to cry it all out but it somehow seems impossible to cry anymore. the impossible happened. sometimes i think if i carry on cooping all these feelings up will i end up committing suicide or become mentally unsound. but i've tot of all the possibilities when i commit suicide, all comes to an ugly end. i want to die beautiful. :D i dun feel like adding anymore burden to my family, hence i've decided to not do anything stupid, to let things go, look forward to the future and blog about this because i need someone, anyone to know. at least i'm not suffering alone, someone knows my plight and i get the concern i want. i want to disappear sometimes into my own world of happiness. but somehow it's avoiding. i hate avoiding. it's impossible anyway. i found out doing something stupid also requires so much courage. i think, sometimes i think too much into things i can't accomplish it. maybe that's why i can't do something stupid. sometimes i feel like waking up in the middle of the night to look for him or when i've got nothing to do i feel like calling him. but i know it's impossible to do it with any good endings. for what for do something with no ending and benefit to me.

ok. i should go back to mugging.

can you guys pls tag with your name. i'm not tag savvy enough to ban ppl with no proper names on my tag board. if you really care, why hide. i mean there's no harm in revealing yourself, is there?