''words should not be hurtful.

it should be used to say i love you.''

so far away.

letter for my dearest baby. read every single word i've written, dun miss out any. you'll probably end up hating me after what i've written, but i have to say if not i'm going crazy.

dearest baby,

baby. i have to say this. i have no idea how to coax you out of that relationship. i'm not sure what's your status with him. but i want you to think about it. every single time you two quarrel, he'll always, without fail, come running back to you saying he's changed. you naively believed him every single time& it always ends up with the same ending. what will make you understand that he doesn't love you, he can't get used to the life without you. when he has you, he doesn't treasure, he treats you like shit. dun deny whatever i've said because deep in you, you know it's the truth. and you choose time& again to bury the truth deep. he forces you to face the truth everytime& you ignore it. like how i did. x kinda got you out of hell& face the terrible truth. you choose to let go of that& go back to him. you always say that you're not with him, he's changed. but tell me how long can this last. he's owning you again. the vicous cycle will repeat itself. he can never redeem himself ever again, to me, to ivy, it's the same, no matter what he does in the future, the fact that the things he did& said to you will always remain. it won't go away. i'm reaching the point of giving up on you. so tired to the point i can stand aside& do nothing even if he abuse you or kill you infront of me. i'm sorry. the constant thought of you being with him again is disturbing. i can't help but to worry, get angry, get pissed.

this is how much i love, care& can do for you. pls dun test the limit of ivy& mine. i'm, you can include ivy, pleading you. i hope i actually dun have to say this because you've given up on him. i really have no idea what's going on or what will be happening because we haven talked in days. i figured, whenever i talk to you, i'll start asking& make myself angry. going out with you is even worse. you'll always be busy with your phone. you'll always be defending that you're not texting him. but we all know who it is from. dun treat us like some 3 yr old. we know stuff even if you dun tell.

you choose that path. it's your choice. i'm not going to meddle ever again. ivy can tolerate it, but i can't. even if he hurts you. i'll be telling you i told you so. i have to say, if anything happens again, you deserve it. i'm not going to give you my support in being together with him, yet again.

that is my final word for everything that's been in my mind. baby. it's my care& concern. take it or leave it. dun try to coax us or defend him treating us like we're 3 yr old.

it's harsh& offending i know. but it's bothering me since i've been calling you baby. i dun think that bastard is worth straining our friendship. you worth better. dun go down to his level, it's not, never going to be worth it. i've said what i've been wanting to say to you& what ivy& me have been talking about. i think i'm risking our friendship saying all these.

you know i love you.

i entrusted you with a secret. you simply betrayed that trust of mine. i'm speechless about that.

love,

val

i've been dreaming of us being so happy together, back again, compromising with each other's needs. but i know, it's never a reality. i hate sleeping now. i hate to be idling around because i'll start thinking. i'm still thinking. i refused to blog about it. but i think i'm on the process of suffering from depression. i always want to hug my sis or mum to sleep at night. because i'm still not used to it. i put on a pretence at home. it's like it never happened. i dun like to cry at home because i hate explaining what happened. but this time, i have a reason to cry. but it's just a sign of weakness. i can't do it. i simply can't i duno how to. i can only cry alone. i dun even dare to cry to sleep because it really hurts so much. i heard from kelly that you told her you can't take care of me& that's you, you can't change it. i'm surprised you even mentioned it to anyone. i tot you'll jus keep to yourself until everyone starts asking. i want to stop thinking about you. some stuff i still can't get it. why. why does this have to happen. you can give in to them, you can't give in to me. i want you to know. you owe me. for whatever sacrifice i've made. since you've made the decision, i want you to regret it. like how i always remind myself, no matter how much i want you back, no matter how strong the urge to surprise you at your door step, no matter how much i want to hug you, no matter how much i love you, i can't go back to you, i can't give in to this. i have to do it for myself. i gave too much. i gave you myself whole heartedly, wanting you to take care of me. you didn't. you said you tried. it just isn't you to do so. i miss you so much i feel like killing myself to relieve myself of this feeling. i hate it. seeing you the other day at store made things worst.

i'm sorry guys. i'm not as strong as you think i am, i'm not that strong like how you want me to be. dun ask, dun tag, just leave me alone. i'm not okay. i hate being emo.