Die.

i so want to give myself continuous mental slap so i can wake up. then i can stop being naive. for the moment.

i got 40 bucks worth of book right after what i heard. i want to disappear right away. i shouldn't have looked kelly up. or maybe i should have went earlier. then i wouldn't hear whatever. even if it was meant to be a joke you know i can be easily deceived. i told you to tell me. F. i'm so affected even though i know it most probable isn't true. sometimes i wake up wanting to text you so much. wanting to go over and hug you. wanting to tell you i still love you. wanting to tell you that i can still be yours. wanting to tell you i can forget whatever that just happened.

but.

IT'S NEVER EVER GOING TO HAPPEN. nt now, nt ever.
i hate myself. i hate you. i hate us. i'm just making life difficult for myself.

5 months and counting on. i'm determined.

F off.